This is Hard to Write

Today I experienced a Facebook glitch.  When I signed in this morning the first thing that I saw on my home page was a notification that a couple of my friends had commented on an old friend’s status.  The glitch is this: This old friend is no longer my friend.  In fact, she de-friended me from her Facebook account.

I was surprised at how strongly I would react to this glitch.  My first reaction was surprise.  Then I strangely felt excited, as if this friend had somehow friended me again and all was well.  Then I felt confused.  Why was I seeing this message?  Finally, I felt really sad.  I miss this friend.  We went through a lot together as new moms.  We shared so much.  We cried together and laughed together and just sat quietly watching our kids together.

Unfortunately, things quickly changed when my frustration over our parenting styles got the better of me.  I have never really been known to hold too much back.  Yes, it’s a fault. I’m working on it, but it is me.  I won’t divulge much else seeing as this old friend already feels that I have divulged too much.  I personally disagree, but that’s just part of being human.  You won’t always agree with everyone.

Anyway, the point is that this glitch caused a very strong reaction in me. I have been very, very sad all day and can’t seem to get this old friend off my mind.  I wish that we could go back and have a do-over, but I’m not sure that is possible.  The thing is that most of my memories of my little Jack as a baby and a toddler include this friend and her child.  I get a lump in my throat every time I realize that those memories will now forever be tarnished.  She might say that this is entirely my own fault, but I truly believe that we both played a part.  I have admitted my role and have taken responsibility for my actions.  I don’t expect anything in return. 

There are just so many days when I catch myself wanting to call her to share something silly or special.  I then remember that our days as friends are over and I will not get to share my life with her anymore.  I guess I will just have to be satisfied with the good memories that I have like holidays spent together, birthday’s for our children and ourselves that we have shared, silly moments that involve breast milk that only she and I can understand and oh so many more moments.

I guess to calm my sad heart I will have to remember only those good times and push back the moment when they ended.  Maybe in time things will change.  Who knows?  Maybe not.  I’m not a terrible person.  People do things others don’t agree with, but I think both sides deserve to be heard and understood.  Sigh….

I think I’ll go and think about eating m&m’s now and hopefully that will make me feel better.  I just hope this gets easier with time.

Peace.

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1 Comment

Filed under friends, Uncategorized

One response to “This is Hard to Write

  1. meg

    So well written

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