Delivery Room Distractions

Things to do while waiting in the delivery room with friends:

  • Read magazines
  • Watch your friends eat and silently curse them out, while you enjoy the “oh so delicious” sugar water that is running through your IV.  Damn.
  • Watch the Octomom on Oprah and thank All That’s Good in the World that you are not her.
  • Do yoga from your bed and then get scolded by the nurse.
  • Stop doing yoga and lay back discouraged and angry at the nurse.
  • Watch Monty Python’s, The Meaning of Life: Birth on your friend’s laptop.  It is awesome, especially The Machine That Goes Bing. 
  • Word of the Day: “Catapult”
  • Watch your friends thoughtlessly drink large lattes and silently curse them out.
  • Watch your friends rummage through all the drawers and cabinets in the room looking for things to steal.
  • Watch your “friends” whip out lemon bars and chocolate chip cookies the size of bowling balls and ingest them like the heathens they are.
  • Laugh while one of your friends mistakes lubricating jelly for peanut butter and jelly.  Don’t ask. This was a real comment. 
  • Watch your friends try on doctor’s masks, blue surgical berets, and gloves in an attempt to make you laugh.
  • Begin filming your so-called friends making asses of themselves to use later as revenge for the wild cookie eating.
  • Accidentally delete footage of friends making asses of themselves.  Immediately begin hatching new revenge plan that unfortunately does not include earlier footage.
  • Watch Dancing With the Stars with the sound off which is the best way to watch it since all of them kind of suck.  Good-bye Kate Gosselin.
  • Ask friends to turn off the lights, roll on your side, and pray that the baby makes an appearance this century at least.  Is that too much to ask?

I love you Curly Girl.  You did a great job.

Peace.

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