Monthly Archives: April 2010

While Daddy’s Away

My husband has left us for six whole days!!  Oh the injustice.  He had to leave for work and this will be the longest we have been apart in almost 13 years.  Wow!  Thirteen years.  Although I miss him beyond belief, and I simply don’t know what I will do without him, and how can I survive without him here…(God I hope he is reading this) it is quite liberating having the apartment to myself after all of these years.  Yes, Jack is still here with me andour good old, geriatric cat Jabba is here too, but those hours after Jack goes to sleep are mine.  All mine! Moowaahaahaa.

Alright, last night got off to a slow start as I promptly fell asleep in Jack’s room after putting him to bed.  But I did wake up at ten and had a kick ass sandwich.  That’s right.  I live life on the edge when no one is looking.  The sandwich was so exciting that it expended all of my energy and I passed back out.  Oh well, there is aways tonight.

Tonight I plan on watching all of the shows I normally have to watch when Dan is not around.  You know, shows like The View, V, Parenthood, Cougar Town (no laughing please), and maybe a stray Oprah or Dr. Phil I have recorded.  I might even watch one of those disturbing shows on TLC about giant tumors or the Treeman. Dan is horrified that I watch those things, but for some reason I am fascinated. I have mentioned how wild I can get right?  I might even have a couple of Hershey’s Kisses on top of it all. Crazy I tell ya.

I do have to cook tJack dinner tonight though. Not something I am looking forward too.  I didn’t marry a chef for nothing.  I am sure I can pull it off, but I don’t want to.  I don’t like cooking.  Baking, on the other hand, is a favorite of mine.  If you can’t lick the bowl then it’s just not a satisfying cooking experience in my opinion.  Hmmm.  Maybe we’ll have cupcakes for dinner.  They can’t hurt right?  Bill Cosby made a pretty good argument for chocolate cake for breakfast.  Why not cupcakes for dinner.  I’ll have to think about this. 

I have five more days on my own with Jack and I am sure each night will be wilder and crazier than the next.  I’ll keep you posted.

Peace.

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Momsense Monday’s: Ya Gotta Laugh

You really do have to laugh.  Pregnancy is a funny thing.  I know parts of it suck. Morning sickness really isn’t anything to laugh about.  But puking out of the window of your car or over the side of the subway tracks could be something to look back and laugh about.  Farting in public is quite embarrassing, but blaming others for your stinky farts is definitely hilarious.  Personally, I used to blame my students.  They never thought that I could be the one creating that foul smell that seemed to linger in the air.  Burping by far is the silliest body sound that can be appreciated during pregnancy.  Every burp is excused by all around you and you can really get wild with it if you’re brave enough.

Swollen ankles, feet and hands…all are tough to deal with, but come on, Fred Flintstone hands and feet are freakin funny.  You know that they are.  And hemorrhoids?  Don’t you remember all the times when you were a kid and probably years after that you and your friends joked about having hemorrhoids? I do.  I was lucky enough to not have hemorrhoids, and if I did I know that I would have complained, but I also know that part of me would have seen the humor in the situation and named those pesky roids!

I would like you to try something.  Every time you feel like crying because pregnancy sucks, make a conscious effort to try and laugh it off.  I know it is hard, but try it for just a day at first and see how it feels.  They say that laughter is the greatest medicine.  Sure it makes your ribs hurt and makes you sometimes pee a little or a lot, but you have to admit that you do feel so much better after your done.

This philosophy can also be applied after you’ve had the baby.  You’ve gotta laugh.

After you give birth everything changes.  That may sound like the world’s biggest cliche, but it’s true.  Everything makes you cry.  You are suddenly really anxious about things you never even noticed before and man are you tired.  With all of those things going on at once it is sometimes hard to see the humor in the backwards diaper you just put on your screaming newborn.  Finding your cats snuggled up in your sweet baby’s crib with a binky next to them is also not funny days after arriving home.  But to everyone else those are funny stories and should be shared. 

Giant blowout diaper stories are hilarious and should not only be verbally shared, but written down to use as ammo when your child is a teenager and acting obnoxious.  Try and capture a picture of the blowout if possible to really have something to hang over their head.

Bad Mommy moments should also not be taken too seriously.  Babies really are stronger than they look and are also really forgiven.  Don’t feel bad if you accidentally shoot a stream of breastmilk in their eye while changing boobs. It’s ok.  Your baby will forgive you.  And if you are not near a clean water source after your baby’s binky has fallen on the floor don’t beat yourself up too badly about wiping off the dirt and then sticking it in your own mouth to clean off any remaining dirt.  Come on…you know you’ve done it Veteran Mommies.

So, laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh.  You know you wanna.  It’s ok to not take everything so seriously.  You won’t permanently screw anything up.  Don’t you want to look back at your pregnancy or your first days at home with a smile and a giggle?  I know you do.  So just laugh.

Peace.

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Big and Beautiful or Just Beautiful?

I felt like I just had to write a post about the recent Lane Bryant ad that has been pulled from ABC and FOX. The new ad features a plus sized model showing off Lane Bryant’s new line of sexy lingerie called Cacique, strutting her sexy stuff. This woman is beautiful. She is gorgeous. If I were a guy I would F-her. So, what’s ABC and Foxes problem with this ad? Sexier ads have been shown during the same time slot with, of course, no complaints. Hell, Victoria’s Secret gets it’s own hour-long show to promote it’s own line of porno wear. Why can’t Lane Bryant be shown the same respect?  Plus, their commercial is only 25 seconds long.  Do executives really think that the American public can’t handle 25 seconds of flesh that just so happens to belong to a woman who is bigger than a size zero?

Is it truly that horrible to see women who aren’t starving themselves to death showing a little skin? Or even a whole lot of skin? What is wrong with the executives of these television networks? Half naked women of any size are sexy. Am I right or am I right. Come on…you know I’m right. Naked flesh is naked flesh and what man doesn’t want to see a little of that. Bow chicka wow wow…..

Do plus sized women not deserve to feel sexy? They do and they are sexy and these dopey executives don’t realize the genius in showing an ad like this one. Look what happened when Glamour Magazine ran an article about “real” women. The spread included women who were average size posing nude and natural. They were beautiful. They were gorgeous.  They were stunning. The spread got a lot of publicity. Some people were outraged. How dare Glamour glamorize these women? The majority though, were thrilled to finally see beautiful women, not celebrities, glamorized. So they weren’t size zero. Not many women are. The point is that Glamour Magazine became a hero for many women out there that never get to see women that look like them captured in fashion magazines. Glamour’s sales went through the roof and women were asking for more, more, more. Can’t  the exec’s at these networks see that they too could be the heroes in the end as well?

If more average looking women, and by average I mean bigger than a size 6, were shown in ads and on primetime network shows, I would bet that their viewership would rise significantly. According to the blog She-conomy, 85% of brand purchases are made by women.  Wow!  With numbers like that I have to deduce that the marketing executives for large networks must truly be missing something….like a part of their brain.  Why else would they decide to exclude and offend such a large portion of the consumers that respond to their ads?  The message that they have just sent is tremendously offensive to so many viewers. 

So to all the ladies out there, size zero to size whatever, make your voices heard.  Send emails, write letters.  Let ABC and Fox know that this decision does affect you and all women regardless of their size.
 
Peace.

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Delivery Room Distractions

Things to do while waiting in the delivery room with friends:

  • Read magazines
  • Watch your friends eat and silently curse them out, while you enjoy the “oh so delicious” sugar water that is running through your IV.  Damn.
  • Watch the Octomom on Oprah and thank All That’s Good in the World that you are not her.
  • Do yoga from your bed and then get scolded by the nurse.
  • Stop doing yoga and lay back discouraged and angry at the nurse.
  • Watch Monty Python’s, The Meaning of Life: Birth on your friend’s laptop.  It is awesome, especially The Machine That Goes Bing. 
  • Word of the Day: “Catapult”
  • Watch your friends thoughtlessly drink large lattes and silently curse them out.
  • Watch your friends rummage through all the drawers and cabinets in the room looking for things to steal.
  • Watch your “friends” whip out lemon bars and chocolate chip cookies the size of bowling balls and ingest them like the heathens they are.
  • Laugh while one of your friends mistakes lubricating jelly for peanut butter and jelly.  Don’t ask. This was a real comment. 
  • Watch your friends try on doctor’s masks, blue surgical berets, and gloves in an attempt to make you laugh.
  • Begin filming your so-called friends making asses of themselves to use later as revenge for the wild cookie eating.
  • Accidentally delete footage of friends making asses of themselves.  Immediately begin hatching new revenge plan that unfortunately does not include earlier footage.
  • Watch Dancing With the Stars with the sound off which is the best way to watch it since all of them kind of suck.  Good-bye Kate Gosselin.
  • Ask friends to turn off the lights, roll on your side, and pray that the baby makes an appearance this century at least.  Is that too much to ask?

I love you Curly Girl.  You did a great job.

Peace.

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Momsense Monday!

I am officially naming Monday’s “Momsense Monday’s” in honor of my two good friends who are about to become new mommies.  You will remember them from an earlier post, A Little Bit of Momsense .  Curly Girl is now six days past her due date and just hoping that the new baby makes an appearance soon.  Blond Mama is pregnant with twins and still has about a month and a half left to go.  Both are Super Hero’s in my opinion and will be great mom’s.
Today’s Momsense will be more for Curly Girl since she is about ready to pop.  Here we go.

1. Sign up for Fresh Direct immediately!  You don’t have a car and will need groceries.  If you sign up now then you won’t have to go through the aggravation of signing up after the baby arrives.  Trust me, once you get home you will be too distracted and tired to sign up. Do it now. They are a new city mom’s dream.  They will bring you all the staples you need including pre-packaged meals.  Oh yeah…they will also deliver cereal too.  Check them out.

2. Don’t have too many people over your place the day you come home from the hospital.  I know it is tempting to want to show off your baby immediately, but you need time to get settled in, take a shower, eat something, and attempt your first nursing session at home.

 Plus, your hormones are going to be all over the place and sometimes people, even people who love you, say stupid things like, “Why is the baby crying?”  I actually think the best answer to this question is, “Because you are here.  That’s why she’s crying.  She must not like you.”  I mean come on!  A newborn is crying because it is a newborn. Jeez.  I can’t stand that question and if you, loyal reader, have ever said it to a new mom you should be ashamed, realize the error of your ways and go back to that mom and apologize for your ignorance. Then hug her and open a bottle wine.  Cheers. 

Anyway, back to your hormones.  They will make you weepy.  They will make you anxious.  Lot’s of visitors will make you anxious and that won’t do anyone any good.  My advice when people call and want to see the baby is to tell them that you would love to see them and thank you so much for calling.  Then tell them that you need a day or to before you are ready for visitors. Done.

3. Buy some chocolate or have someone bring chocolate over. Chocolate is important.  I have no real reasoning for this except that chocolate is delicious and is especially delicious after having a baby.  M&M’s were my chocolate of choice.  They were quick and easy and I didn’t feel guilty about eating them.  All those damn colors and that crunchy candy coating just mesmerized me.  Man, I wish I had some M&M’s. Oh…and chocolate milk. Don’t get me started on Chocolate Milk.

4. Listen to your body.  If you need to lay down when you get home then lay down.  Don’t feel the need to entertain the people who have come to your place to help you.  They will be there to help you.  Let them.  Take a shower and then sit or lay down in a comfy place with the baby.  Put your feet up and enjoy the moment.  Which leads me to #5….

5. Enjoy the moment.  You will be tired and you will be excited.  You will feel overjoyed and you will feel scared.  You will feel hungry and you will feel sooo full of love.  You will be anxious and you will feel so proud. Enjoy the moment.  When else do all of those emotions and many,  many more exist at one time, to one person, at one moment?  How wonderful…

Peace.

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My Secret Pleasure

I just love Costco! I love it!  When we got our membership we spent over two hours slowly going up and down each aisle.  We wanted to buy everything.  Of course I could use a five pound bag of chocolate chips.  Duhhh…who couldn’t?  Of course we needed three pounds of mayonnaise.  Come on. 

I look forward to every trip.  Our shopping list has changed dramatically.  Instead of spending three hundred dollars we now spend a little over a hundred or less.  We no longer linger in the aisles either.  We walk purposely through the warehouse scooping up the staples we need to get by.  Organic milk, cheese, butter, fruit, toilet paper, paper towels, garbage bags….you get the picture.

Another thing has changed as well.  Jack’s nap.  It now coincides perfectly with our trips to Costco.  This is somewhat of a dilemma.  This nap takes place in our car.  Jack’s favorite place to sleep.  He is usually out cold by the time we get there and that means that someone needs to stay in the car with him while he sleeps.  That someone is me.  That’s right. I drew the short straw on this one.  I am delegated to car babysitter while my husband gets to live it up in the aisles of Costco.  How unfair!!!  I mean he never even goes down the book aisle or ponders buying socks he doesn’t need.  What a waste of a Costco trip.  He never comes out with a giant bag of chocolate chips or dehydrated blueberries that have way too much sugar in them. What’s wrong with him?

(Lame Jeanie Alert!!!  Please be advised that in my pre-baby life a trip to Costco was a once a year affair to buy Ramen Noodles and tuna fish a la my friend Charlie.  I had never before considered a trip to Costco or any other store like it, for that matter, to be anything but a pain in the tooshie.  A trip to the beach? Well, now you’re talking, a hot day spent drinking margaritas you betcha, but Costco….what’s happened to me?  I just felt the need to point out that I was once kinda cool.)

For a while I would fume about this turn of events and wonder how fate could have dealt me such a hand.  I would wonder where my balls were, oh wait I don’t have any.  I would wonder where my big mouth was at times like these.  Why wasn’t I disputing this decision??  Why do I have to stay in the car?  Why can’t my husband sit there?

You know what though?  Secretly I like waiting in the car.  It is so quiet in the car while Jack is asleep.  I pull out my book and bask in the silence.  I am actually disappointed when my husband returns with the cart and I have to put my book away.  I love reading and watching people try to maneuver their giant shopping carts filled with bulk items through the crowded parking lot.  I am always waiting for one of them to smash into a car or spill some of their stuff out their cart.  Besides, uninterrupted reading is my favorite thing ever.  I never say no to uninterrupted reading.  Heck, I stay in the bathroom longer than I need to for a little uninterrupted reading time. TMI?? Sorry, but it’s true.

It’s funny how things like that happen isn’t it?  At first I was really annoyed that I had to be the one to sit in the car and miss aisle after aisle of bulk food, but it turned out to be just the perfect fit for me and I wouldn’t trade places for anything…except maybe a giant bag of chocolate chips.

Peace.

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Jeanie and the Bumble Bee

There it hovered behind the sheer Cow Jumped Over the Moon curtains.
It’s buzz was strong and meaningful.
It’s wings were beating with determination.

It turned mid-hover and buzzed a buzz heard throughout the city streets.
It looked me in the eyes and beat it’s wings even harder

I ran.
I slammed the door behind me.
I ran.
I ran into the kitchen.

I took a deep breath.
I had to think.
What do I do?

I grabbed a sauce pan and lid.
I ran back to the Bee.
I was too scared to move the curtain.
The pan suddenly seemed too big.

The Bee buzzed.
I ran.
I slammed the door behind me.
I ran.
I ran into the bathroom.

I grabbed a bottle of Fantastic.
I ran back to the Bee.
I felt guilty.
I couldn’t spray the poor Bee.

The Bee buzzed again.
I ran.
I slammed the door behind me.
I ran.
I ran into the hallway.

I grabbed the fly swatter.
I ran back to the Bee.
I really felt guilty.
I couldn’t smack the poor Bee.

The Bee buzzed.
I sat down on the bed.
I looked at the Bee.
The Bee looked at me.
It buzzed again louder this time.

The Bee just wanted to leave.
I just wanted the Bee to leave.
We telepathically shared these thoughts.
I felt we understood each other.

The Bee flew to the top of the window.
I calmly opened the window and screen.
The Bee flew down and out of the open window.
I swear I saw it wave good-bye.

I closed the window.
I was thankful that I didn’t hurt the poor Bee.
I guess I am finally getting over my phobia.
Have a good Spring Bumble Bee!!

Peace.

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