I haven’t posted anything new in a couple of days because I really am sooooo tired. I’m talking fall asleep standing up, not really knowing what I’m saying tired. The kind of tired where you leave your apartment without shoes on. The kind of tired that causes you to have a short fuse because you expect everyone around you to sympathize with you and your exhaustion and when they don’t you kind of lose it. It’s not pretty I’ll admit, but if only I could just get some sleep maybe I would be in a better mood.
For the past few months I have been experiencing pretty annoying insomnia. I have no trouble getting to sleep, but I am waking up in the middle of the night and them I am unable to go back to sleep. This is happening at least four to five times a week and it is killing me. There is nothing worse than laying there watching the sky get lighter and lighter and knowing that you will have to wait another sixteen to seventeen hours before you can go to sleep again.
There are so many things that can wake me up. We live on a pretty busy street so sometimes it’s the cars honking or the trucks rumbling by. Sometimes I am woken up by groups of drunk people leaving the bar down the block and heading for the subway. Other times I am woken up because the heat will come on and it sounds like Iron Man himself is banging on our radiators with a sledgehammer. The most common thing that wakes me up however is the need to go to the
birthday I mean bathroom.
Ever since I became pregnant, years ago, I have been waking up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. I know that this might be TMI, but I don’t care. If I wake up for only a second the first thing I think is, “How badly do I need to use the bathroom?”. I then spend the next ten to fifteen minutes trying to judge whether or not I should get up to use the bathroom.
I know that is ridiculous and I should just get up, but for some strange reason thinking that way makes me just as stressed. After twenty minutes I usually get up and go, but by that time I am wide awake. The thought of being wide awake makes me even more awake and aware that it will be just one more sleepless night to add to the list. Damn you insomnia.
I just can’t seem to turn my brain off once I am awake. I will think of everything from where I parked my car to what my butt used to look like in a bikini when I was nineteen. Weird, I know. There seems be no limit to what I will think about. I think about old friends a lot. I think about old pets I have had. I fantasize about living on a farm and then I try to count sheep. See the thought process…farm….sheep. But then I begin to think of raising sheep and how I could learn to do that. Do they have a school for raising sheep?? What about raising chickens?? Do they have farm school for adults?? I can only wonder and I do….at 3am!
I think about past decisions I have made. I think about decisions that will have to be made in the future. I think about living in Alaska. Then I think about Sarah Palin and that makes me feel really nervous and I just know that if I ever do get to sleep that I will have crazy Sarah Palin nightmares.
But that then makes me think about hunting. Then I get sad. I ponder becoming a vegetarian. That makes me feel really guilty so I try to think about something that’s guilt free like the beach. I love the beach. But I don’t have that nineteen year old ass anymore and the thought of another summer with the ass I have now on display for all to see also makes me pretty nervous. I really need to start jogging. But I have to get new sneakers to do that…..
Are you tired yet?? Isn’t it exhausting? You would think that I would simply exhaust myself, but alas, awake I remain.
I haven’t figured out how to fix this yet and every night at around eight o’clock I begin to get really anxious about my impending night’s sleep. I know this isn’t helping me any, but I can’t seem to stop this train of thought. Dan is on his way to the store right now to buy me some Tylenol PM. Hopefully this will help. I really don’t dig the idea of having to take pills of any kind to sleep, but I am desperate here. I would like to try drinking chamomile tea, but I think that will just make me have to go to the bathroom and well, you know how that goes.
What if the Tylenol PM knocks me out so hard that I can’t hear Jack if he calls me? What if I sleep through the drunken people? Will they find the subway without me silently cursing them along? And the trucks. Dear god the trucks! How will they find their way back to the highway without me psychically pushing them along. Oh the responsibilities of those awake at night. It’s a curse.
Please wish me luck tonight. I’m going to need it. And if anyone has any advice they would like to pass along I would be really grateful.
Good night, sleep tight, don’t let the bed boogies bite.